Dear Gracelyn,
It is Valentine’s Day on Friday and I’m practically in love with a guy on campus. I’ve sent him little hints here and there to let him know that I really like him, but I’m waiting on him to make the first move. I don’t want to ruin our friendship by telling him how I feel. I’ve written him one love letter every day for the last two months, just so that if he does ask me out, I can show him that I’m really dedicated. I’ve been single for, like, 6 months, 23 days, and 14 hours. If I don’t get him to like me, I don’t think I will be able to get anyone to like me. My friends think I should say something,. What do you think?
-AgapeGirl
Dear AgapeGirl,
I’m sorry that you are feeling this way. It’s sickening, really. Let me start out by saying, of course you should say something to him! But the important part is the way that you approach the situation.
Valentine’s Day is the prime time to take advantage of this situation. On Valentine’s Day, you should decide to confess your undying love for this man by leaving the notes you’ve written to him for the last two months in his mailbox. Those will probably convince him of your everlasting commitment to him and won’t freak him out at all.
It’s admirable that you do not want to ruin a friendship with this person by confessing your love to him. However, it’s time to ignore all of that. Let him know that you don’t want to be “just friends” anymore. In order to do this, you could simply begin by sending a little heart emoji at the end of every text you send him. (I assume you text one another constantly. If you’re not forever texting each other about things that don’t really matter and either of you don’t really care about, it’s not love.) If you’re not ambitious enough to use the telltale heart, you can always settle for the trusty (and slightly creepier) “winky face.”
If these tactics don’t work, you will have to resort to drastic measures. That is, you will have to openly confess your love for him publicly. I would advise going to eat with him in Alpha, on beef Stroganoff day, standing on a table, and playing the guitar while singing an original song detailing your love for him. If you cannot play the guitar or sing, no one will care. It’s cute anyway—and he can’t reject you in public.
These measures should ensure that you have a date this Valentine’s Day. If not, drown your sorrows in chocolate ice cream, endless defeat in Flappy Bird (if you downloaded it in time), and write me another letter.
-Gracelyn
Disclaimer: All of the advice given above is strictly for entertainment purposes. Please do not actually follow this advice. Following this advice may lead to loss of friendships, sanity, credibility and, in extreme cases, may lead to death.
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