My Life as a Stutterer
By Alisha Gomez
My life. How do I describe it? One word: stuttering. This word doesn’t have everything to
do with my life, but it does have a lot to do with it.
My struggles started when I was first learning to talk. I don’t remember much of my
childhood as a stutterer, but my mom does. She told me that I first started talking by mildly
stuttering. Normal children usually babble and speak too rapidly because they are just learning
what talking is all about.
What is the difference between normal children and me? I never stopped stuttering.
I was home schooled, so I missed out on bullying I might have endured if I had attended
a public high school. Some may argue that I missed out on friends, fun and normal high school
experiences. That may be, but I would have had the chance to make friends with people if I
wanted to. I just felt like my stuttering prohibited me from doing so. Although I got by without
being made fun of at school, I couldn’t avoid it completely.
My father has been verbally abusive toward my mom and me ever since I can remember.
Because of him, I fear that others will insult the way I talk, too, so I avoid talking to anyone. This
is something that I’m trying to overcome, but it’s not easy when the fear is rooted in childhood. I
know some people won’t care how I talk, but it’s hard for me to speak up and let people in. The
fear of not knowing their reaction stops me from doing so.
I believe that my father caused my stuttering to continue. I have read many articles that
say if children are teased or criticized for how they talk, then they develop anxiety toward their
speech and the stuttering gets worse. My situation is a good example of this. I began to realize
that stuttering was bad, so I tried harder not to stutter. This only makes stuttering worse since I’m
trying to force the words out of my mouth. Suddenly my mild stuttering turned into hard blocks,
and the words just would not come out of my mouth.
Since I didn’t have a normal school background, going to college felt like a huge jump. I
wouldn’t have even gone to college if it hadn’t been for my mom, who kept pushing me to do it.
My mom would always push me to do things I was too scared to do. I remember worrying about
going places such as movie nights with my youth group. I would worry and think about it all day,
and then finally I would chicken out and say I didn’t want to go. My mom would debate with
me. Sometimes she won and sometimes I won. But if she hadn’t persuaded me to go every time,
then I wouldn’t have gone, and I would have missed out on the experience of going.
College has helped me in so many ways. I would never have talked in as many situations
as I have so far in college. I still am not comfortable with talking during class or in small group
discussions. I always talk to my professors before each course starts and ask if I can not be
required to talk. I still have to participate in some small group situations, though I try to avoid
them. I have walked out of class before when a professor started having everyone present their
projects to the class. I regret the times I have done this, but it was out of my comfort zone.
I have been to speech therapy all during elementary, middle, and high school. This
experience helped me with reading aloud. In middle school, I never could read out loud without
stuttering. Then the speech pathologist started reading along with me. I was fluent when reading
with another person. After we did this many, many times, suddenly I could read to her out loud
without stuttering. I can now read out loud with people I know. I can also talk without stuttering
when I’m alone. This makes me positive that I can be fluent and that my problem is due to my
subconscious fears.
All of my life has felt like a struggle because of my stuttering. I have lived most of my
life in fear of being asked a question by a person I don’t know or being in a situation that
requires me to talk. Most people don’t understand how hard it is for a person to have a voice that
she can’t control. I know all the words I want to say, and want to say them more than anything,
but I know how much struggle there is to saying them.
Sometimes I have no hope of ever being a person who doesn’t stutter. But then I realize
that God made me like this, and if He wants me to ever stop stuttering completely, then I will. I
should be confident in who I am because He made me and He sees the value and the worth in
me. Maybe He wants me to inspire others, give them hope, and let them know that anything is
possible through Him. So my goal is to help people who stutter in any way I can. I know what
they’re going through, and I want to show them that they aren’t alone and that stuttering is okay,
despite what anyone says.
