Words of wisDumb : “You’re My Valentine”
By Brock and Brunner
Yeah, so, it’s Valentine’s Day. We know that every guy who just read that sentence has taken a collective gasp and left a little Hershey Kiss in his drawers—if you know what we mean. Yeah, poop, just so you know what we mean—if you know what we mean.
We have searched high and low and decided that cheap candy, insensitive cards, and Victorian secrets (if you know what we mean) are the best way to remember the late Saint Valentine. He was, after all, the king of romance, if you know what we mean. According to our newly founded institution, The Foundation of Amended Correctness T-word (FACT for short), just released newly found facts regarding Saint Valentine. According to FACT’s research, Valentine often masqueraded around the streets of Rome as a naked baby named Cupid. He would shoot people with Love Arrows, which were actually just real arrows painted pink. People died; it was a real bummer. However, FACT also unearthed evidence that Valentine invented heart-shaped chocolate and love. It appears that history paints Valentine in many different ways.
One of Valentine’s biggest gaffes was recorded in the Spanish Inquirer, a local newspaper of the time. It is reported that Valentine gave his “crush” a bear to show his love. To everyone’s great surprise, the bear ate the woman whole. She was a rather large woman, thus causing the bear to be stuffed. It was a good thought on Valentine’s part—in fact, that is why we now say, “It’s the thought that counts.” Obviously, there are still remnants of this tradition today; we simply tweaked it a little. You know, stuffed bears, not bears that are stuffed full of your crush.
We would now like to take this opportunity to dispel the notion that Valentine’s Day is also Singles Awareness Day. Everybody knows Singles Awareness Day is Prom Night, or any day you are alone. Don’t worry, though; Valentine’s Day does not have to be as scary as you think. It all comes down to the wording. Do not ask someone to be your Valentine. Tell them to be your Valentine. Instead of saying, “Will you be mine?” say, “You will be mine.” If that doesn’t work, throw in an “or else.” Don’t worry, it’s not creepy, it’s just aggressive pursuing. This could be done on any day of the year, but card and chocolate companies needed another holiday to sell cheap crap. Therefore, they looked through the annals of history, found Saint Valentine, and gave him a day. February 14, Valentine’s Day! Notice it is ValenTINE’s Day, not times, not ValenTIMES. That bugs us. Happy Valentine’s Day!
