Campus Life

Dr. Rich Leads Protests for Hard-Copy Textbooks

By Alaister McFarren

From 8 a.m. to 8 p.m., Tuesday, March 20, Dr. Lauren Rich of the Department of Languages, Literature and Communication led a group of picket-wielding faculty and students in a protest over the declining number of hard-copy textbooks available to students.  The protest, which marched to every campus building throughout the day occupying classes and offices, reportedly came a day after Rich discovered that not even one of her students this session had a hard-copy of the required reading, Bram Stoker’s “Dracula.”

“It’s outrageous!” an irate Rich called over a loudspeaker from the roof of Philathea.  “How can my students be expected to learn the New-Historicist implications of Victorian-era literature with an online copy of one of the most influential pieces of fiction to ever grace the earth?!”

The night before the initiation of her riot, Rich posted her “95 Theses on the Wickedness and Impracticality of E-literature” on the door of the Morgan Library.  Some of her assertations were as follows:

  • E-books do not allow students to see how many tears were shed upon the pages by those who rented the books before them.  As a result, students cannot know exactly how much pain extrapolating the meaning of a piece of poetry/fiction/nonfiction might bring them and therefore will be mentally unprepared for the ordeal ahead of them.
  • If the Wi-Fi goes down, students will be unable to complete their reading assignments on time, forcing me to hand out bonus assignments such as analyzing Robert Baird’s “The Labyrinth” or John Donne’s “The Flea.”
  • E-books mean open tabs, open tabs mean other websites, other websites mean Instagram and Instagram means procrastination.  Thus, I would assert that e-books are the leading cause of college drop-outs and are therefore unfit for collegiate use.

Rich and her mob marched through multiple classrooms and buildings, reportedly scaring off multiple tour groups and a few local dogwalkers.  While the protest was predominantly peaceful, the warpaint worn by Rich and others was described as “disturbing” and “far more militant than expected” by some passersby.

“Our intent was not to scare or intimidate,” said Rich the day after the occurrence. “We merely wanted to get our point across to the powers-that-be.”

When asked about some of the more radical actions taken by some of her followers, Rich responded, “While I was proud of the actions of most of my supporters, some actions were definitely excessive.  When Dr. Sauders stormed into the library, leaped onto a shelving cart and started throwing Molotov cocktails at the computers while screaming ‘Y2K will never happen again!’ I assure you that no one was more surprised than I.”  

While Sauders’ actions were looked into by local law enforcement, all potential charges were dropped when she offered them a plate of cookies and let them browse through her personal collection of hard-copy books.