Dating Tips from Matt Brunner
For this important date, you must have an important date. However, one date is easy. It’s having more that’s difficult. Each date makes or breaks the chances for the next one. How does one ensure that he or she will be guaranteed another date (with the same person) next week? You’re in luck. I’m an expert.
No, seriously. Trust me on this one.
I’ll start out with some advice for you males because—and ladies, know this—you need it. I mean, look at you.
First things first, don’t start out too fancy by going to expensive restaurants and taking her to see “Finding Nemo” in 3D. She will get it in her head that this will be a regular occurrence, and you will quickly realize it won’t be due to the red numbers in your checking account. Instead, take her to Taco Bell or to a tractor pull. It’s a happy medium between the things girls love and the things you can afford.
Secondly, when it comes to flowers, you want them to last. Don’t get real flowers. They’ll wilt within the hour. Girls hate that. The faker, the better.
Another good thing to know is that girls love to figure things out like it’s a mystery. They hate it when you give them a straight answer when they ask a question. Always be as ambiguous as possible. Make sure there’s always a smidgen of doubt in the back of her mind, even in the simplest things.
For example, if she asks you what you want to do after dinner, answer with “breathe” or “digest dinner.” Do not tell her that you want to watch “500 Days of Summer” with her, even though you plan on doing that. Utilize surprise.
When a girl tells you about a problem she’s having, immediately give her your advice. She is only telling you so that you can give her the solution she so desperately needs.
It is crucial to remember that girls desire and need guys to provide them with constructive criticism and counsel. Subtly let her know that there’s this awesome new diet you heard about that she should try.
Tell her that her situation is not that bad and that she should stop crying. Inform her that she gets this high, squeaky voice when she gets excited and that it’s embarrassing to you. Things like this will go a long way in a relationship.
Okay, ladies, now that the guys know all they need to know to make you happy, it’s your turn to learn. For one thing, guys like girls who can beat everyone at everything. Never hold back in any competition. Ever. Also, rub it in as much as possible when you beat someone (even—no, especially—if it’s him) at something.
Along with that, feminism is your friend. Guys love it when you insist upon picking them up, choosing the restaurant, and paying for the bill (all in one date!).
Point out your date’s faults. When he makes a mistake, let him know. If he needs to change his habits, table manners, or how he talks, tell him. No need to be discreet, either; if he’s the man he says he is, he can take it.
Finally, ladies, the thing a man wants most in a relationship is someone who will persistently ask what his feelings are and about everything that is going on in his life (on these points, remember: details, details, details!). If you can be that person, you can increase the probability of being on another date with him.
Remember, ladies and gentlemen, I am a professional. In fact, I’m in the middle of writing a book in which these infallible ideas appear entitled “How to Go on Dates without Going Nuts.”
Now that you have the proper tools to effectively acquire and/or retain a date, go have a wonderful Valentine’s Day.
When it’s a success, remember who taught you everything you know. (But, in the off chance that it’s a complete and utter failure, I am not responsible for any subsequent actions you may have taken due to the advice given in this article.)
Story by Matt Brunner | Contributing Writer | firstname.lastname@example.org